What to Do When a Shame Attack Hits
A Shame Attack is when a memory pops up out of nowhere, and you’re jolted into a shame spiral. The fear of shame inhibits creativity.
I laughed too loud, said too much, or said something to the wrong person. These could jolt me into a Shame Attack. It’s such a visceral experience that I physically recoil.
It might be a time when my vulnerability was rejected, misunderstood, or judged. Shame-attack prevention makes me want to stay small and quiet.
(Side note, when someone is judgey, it’s the clearest sign that they are not my people. I note that takeaway and make connections elsewhere.)
Shame Attacks aren’t the big, classically embarrassing moments for me. I’m more forgiving of myself with those. Fall on my face in front of a crowd? I brush it off.
Sometimes, there’s something I can learn from the situation, a reminder to be slower to speak, for example. But most of the time, it’s a blatantly unhelpful slap in the face for something that I cannot change because it’s in the past, forgivable, and most always, years ago.
Shame Attacks tend to hit in quiet moments. The middle of the night. Driving. Waiting in an elevator. During meditation.
It growls to me, “You were really stupid when ….” or “Remember when that very important person looked at you funny after you said ….”
They’re never the big, classically embarrassing moments. They are the small, seemingly insignificant gaffes that likely no one remembers except for me.
To live with creative expression, I have to learn to cope with shame attacks. That’s because you cannot live creatively without authenticity. And with authenticity comes people who just don’t get you. Those are not our people.
As the saying goes, you can be the sweetest juiciest peach in the world, and there will still be people who hate peaches.
That’s easy to understand, harder to put into practice.
I’ve developed a little mindfulness practice for coping with Shame Attacks:
I allow myself to relive the memory—honestly, I don’t think I could stop myself.
Once I realize I’ve spiraled, I name it. “Okay, I’m having a Shame Attack.”
Then, I forgive myself for being human. Humans make mistakes. A lot of mistakes. I remind myself that people are never thinking about me as much as I am thinking about me. Sometimes this leads me to another memory replay. If so, I try to stop myself.
Take a deep breath and redirect my thoughts to anything else. If there’s nothing I can do or learn from the situation, reliving it isn’t helpful. The point here is to interrupt the spiral of unhelpful thoughts by any means necessary. Get up and move, turn on something to listen to (audiobooks at night are perfect), or scroll if necessary.
Does it go away? Usually not for the long term, but it’s a healthy practice for the moment and puts the Shame Attack in its place.
For persistent Shame Attacks, journaling about the situation is freeing and works every time. I’m not always near my journal or in a situation where I can scroll pensively, so that’s when the emergency self-forgiveness is needed.
Journaling has allowed me to truly release the shame and move on from the memory, a little wiser, a little better, and feeling lighter.
Like what you read? Here are a few more posts on making space to create:
Amazing mindset!